CHAPTER 24 ~ DEADLY FALL OUT

AIDEN

FOUR MONTHS AND FOUR WEEKS

I didn’t stop walking. I didn’t even pause. I walked straight out the city gate and continued almost unconsciously to where Maglynar would have landed.

Emotions I had never thought to feel again raced through me. Thoughts I could barely grasp shot through my mind tumbling over each other and each demanding its own attention. Things had happened so fast. I hadn’t had time. I could still change things, yet I knew what I was doing was my final decision. I knew it, yet I couldn’t accept it. I wasn’t even sure what I should be accepting. Everything was too confusing, too jumbled. I hadn’t felt so out of control since Duard had twisted me into a useless lump of worthless human.

Duard. The one who had sent me on this mission. It was he who had split my family, who told me my brother was not smart enough nor I strong enough to defeat him. Had I proven him right? Was this what he had meant? I had tried so hard to rip out every aspect of my soul that might harbor the possibility of keeping me from my ultimate mission, yet once again I had choked. I had him, I knew I had him, and yet I had let him go. I had let petty, worthless thoughts distract me from my purpose. I had failed once again to do the final act. I hadn’t thrown the knife and Duard still lived.

No! No, not Duard, the Hunter. It was the Hunter’s life I had spared. It was different. Wasn’t it? Yes, I had spared a version of what I might have been. I had spared myself. But I had no right to do that! That wasn’t a choice I was allowed to make. He had stood in my way! Didn’t he? I had convinced myself that was true. Why? Why was I so despite to kill him? Because of that contract. The one Zoe had pleaded for me not to enter into. If the Hunter lived, I could not get out from Ricald’s thumb. I would now forever be in his service and that meant I could not go back and defeat Duard. I had betrayed my family again!

The thought rocked me and I fell to my knees, my hands smashing to the ground. No! It couldn’t be true! In sparing the Hunter’s life had I doomed my family? Had I truly betrayed them again? My life was worthless! Meaningless! I existed to correct my mistake! I existed to bring them back together and avenge our parents, our lifestyle, everything about us. But when it came down to it, all I had to do was kill one person. Just one! The Hunter was the greatest fighter I had yet to encounter. If I had killed him I would have proven I was ready to go back and take Duard down. But I had spared him! Spared him! In the end, I hadn’t even thrown the knife. Why? What would posses me to betray my family like that? How could I do it?

I had fought for the last two years, no longer than that, against just this thing! And now, I proved I was worthless. I didn’t deserve any of my family. Daurd had been right. I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t kill the Hunter and I couldn’t kill him. My family, the ones I had tried so hard to forget and fight for at the same time, didn’t need me. They had no use for someone who would cave and not complete his only life mission. I was worthless. I didn’t deserve my family or anything else. They were better off without me. Everyone was.

Emma, Fatima, Gidryon, Travon, Tancred, Kristalyn, Sam, Zoe, Aquila, Wren, Ilara, Arnan, Daelia, Taerith, and hundreds of others faces that I had killed or ruined their lives floated before me. Each asked the question that had once been Zoe’s favorite too me. “Why, Aiden, why?”

It was only now that I could give her, and them, my answer. “Because I am worthless. You deserved better. I could not… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, my siblings.”

My grip on the ground tightened and my sides heaved. I felt the knife in my clutches. I had failed them all. I collapsed on the ground and raised the knife slightly above me. They would all be better off. Better off if I was not around to betray them and drag them down…They would be better at least. Only that mattered now. It was all that had ever mattered.

Slowly, I brought the knife down and darkness descended.

***

I awoke slowly. My chest hurt like nothing I had ever felt before and I could hardly breathe. The right side of my body was completely warm and I could feel pressure against its length. Darkness was all around me and I couldn’t see anything. I shook my head trying to clear it from the fogginess that encompassed it and remember what had happened. The movement must have startled my blanket, because I felt something shift and the darkness above me started to move. I squinted, into the new light as it appeared. A wing had been my cover.

“Your awake,” a relieved voice spoke at my side.

I struggled to place it, as I heard the low mournful screech come form my right side. The griffin’s head came down and gently stroked my face.

“Maglynar?” I croaked.

The animal screeched softly, pleased.

“What happened?”

“We were hoping you could tell us,” the girl’s voice spoke again.

I turned my head from Maglynar to see Kristalyn kneeling next to me, her black panther crouched at her side and watching me.

“What?” I asked, still trying to figure out what was happening.

“Maglynar found you in the field I think. He brought you here and Kuroiden came for me. I met him outside the city. I had been following you, but I was pretty far behind. Do you know what happened?”

I raced my hand to my chest.

“You have a severe wound to your chest, but you’ll live.”

“How? I should have died.” I spoke, the pain and humiliation of my betrayal coming back to me, as well as my attempt to correct it. I laughed without humor and immediate regretted it. “I failed again.”

“What are you talking about? Aiden, did you do this to yourself? You weren’t attacked.” The second part wasn’t a question.

“No.” I answered listlessly.

“Why?” Her voice held all her shock.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter!” She protested. Kuroiden whined and moved under her arm to put his head in her lap. She ignored him. “You didn’t kill Tray. You had the perfect chance and you let him live. Is that what this is about?”

I turned my head back into Maglynar’s feathers and fur. “Leave it be.”

“Aiden, please,” she pleaded. “I want to understand.”

“It’s not your concern.”

“Does it have anything to do with these?” She asked quietly.

I turned my head again to see her holding up two pieces of parchment. My hand automatically went to my chest. “Where did you get them?” I growled, anger giving me strength to speak coherently.

“I’m sorry.” She placed them in my hand and I gripped them tightly. “I didn’t mean to pry. I had to take off your shirt to bandage you and they slipped out.”

“And open so you could read them?” I asked scornfully.

“No,” she admitted slowly, color rising in her cheeks. “I, um, saw the first one. But not the others. I only know it is signed by your sisters, Daelia and Aquila. I saw more of the first one.”

“How much more?” I struggled to ask.

“All of it,” she admitted.

I grunted and waited for the questions. She didn’t disappoint, even though I wished she had.

“Who is Duard?”

“Our guardian,” I answered, not knowing fully why.

“But he split you up and forbid you to contact each other?”

I nodded.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. None of us did,” the answer was hard to say.

“Why did you go then?”

“We just did,” that was even harder.

She seemed to understand something though, because she didn’t press any further.

“How many siblings do you have?”

“Eight,” I answered.

“Wow. That’s a big family. It must be nice. It is only Tray and me and our mother of course. Although, those at the camp could be considered siblings I guess.”

I didn’t answer. I was growing tired and I didn’t want to answer questions about those I had betrayed. I didn’t even know why I was still alive. Killing myself was the only thing I had left to give them and I betrayed them even in that.

“Rest, Aiden. I’ll watch over you,” Kristalyn’s voice was low and soft.

“Why?” I whispered already feeling myself slipping back into unconsciousness.

“Because you deserve my care,” she answered.

I could feel a cool cloth being rubbed over my forehead.

“No. Why am I alive?”

“A miracle, Aiden. That’s all I know.”

It was the last thing I heard before blissful oblivion took me back into her arms.

***

“Maglynar, if you are going to insist staying at his side, then at least hold still,” Kristalyn’s voice broke into my sleep.

The griffin gave a low mournful screech.

“Yes, I know you need to be close to him, but you shift again like that and I’m not going to be happy.”

I could feel the cool cloth on my forehead. It gently made its way all over my face, bringing with it a cool relief.

“He has a fever. I need to bring it down, but he’s shivering,” she spoke again.

This time it was the cat that purred something.

“I know, I know. But I can’t leave to get to town.”

Maglynar spoke again and Kristalyn laughed softly in response.

“Oh! You’re hungry. Yes, Kuroi will bring you some food. Your warmth is just what he needs, now quite moving!”

Her laughter brought me more comfort than any cloth could. If I was able, I would have paused in the thought, but my mind was already drifting back to peace.

***

“Kristalyn?” I called the name almost unconsciously.

I heard Maglynar give a small screech and felt him move slightly.

“Here, Aiden,” her voice was soft and I felt her hand on my face. “I’m right here. Do you need anything?”

“No,” I answered, not sure why I had called her name.

“Well, I’m here. I’ll check your bandages now. Just hold still, Aiden. You’re going to be fine.”

I didn’t want to be fine. At least, I didn’t think I did. Why was that important? I couldn’t be sure, but it was.

Her hands put slight pressure on my chest and I heaved when she hit close to a bad spot.

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to be gentle. Can you lift up at all?”

I tried, but I couldn’t move.

“Its okay, Aiden. It’s okay. I can do it.” She moved again and her hands went underneath of me. She moved more and I held my breath as she worked. “All done,” she said eventually.

“Kristalyn,” I called again.

“Shh. Sleep, Aiden. I’ll be here when you wake up. Just sleep.”

I did.

***

The next time I awoke, I felt more conscious. My mind seemed to be clearer too. I lay still as I waited for my memory to catch up to the rest of me. Slowly, the thoughts and feelings of the night I had tried to kill myself came together.

I had failed. I’d betrayed my family again. That was why I deserved to die. I had not right to live. Why was I allowing myself to cling to life? It was wrong. I shouldn’t let this happen.

I struggled to sit up. I needed my knife.

The large behemoth beside me called out a warning. I cringed.

“Be quite, Maglynar,” I ordered.

His head came down and he used his neck to help me maneuver in a sitting position. I was surprised at the level of pain I felt. It was bad, but it should have been worse. I frowned. Actually, it should have been much worse. This wasn’t right. My hand went automatically to my waist to retrieve my knife.

“You looking for this?” Kristalyn’s voice called out.

I looked up to see her standing in front of me with my knife in her hand. Her hair was out of its usually arrangement and draped around her shoulders. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days. She was beautiful. I frowned, why hadn’t I noticed that before?

I took a deep breath and found that it hurt. The pain helped me to concentrate.

“Give me that,” I commanded.

She shook her head, her hand on her hip. “I figured you might want this when you woke up, so I took it. I don’t want you to finish the job. I’ve put too much into you to let you do something so foolish.”

“You don’t understand,” I groaned.

“I don’t have too. You tried to kill yourself, Aiden.”

“It’s no more than I deserve,” I muttered.

“That’s what I don’t get. Why? What would possible convince you to come up with something so ridicules.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” I rephrased my earlier answer.

She crossed her arms. “Explain it then.”

Talk about an impenetrable wall.

I shook my head gently, so as not to cause it to yell at me. “No.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t need to know.”

She sighed. Throwing the knife to the side, she came over and crouched in front of me. “Okay, then let me tell you what I do understand. You spared the life of my brother. Something happened between the two of you, I don’t know what, and you took off. You excited the city and I couldn’t keep up with you. At some point you fell and tried to put this knife directly into your heart. But I also know something stopped you from doing it perfectly. It’s like a hand or something forced you to put it in at an angle. Maglynar found you somehow and brought you back here. Kuroiden found me and brought me to you both. The knife was still in your chest and it stopped the bleeding. It was a perfect angle to exactly miss your heart. You wouldn’t have done that yourself, which means something else stopped you. At this point, I’m perfectly willing to believe it was Deus. Oh, don’t like at me like that. This wasn’t an accident, Aiden. Something stopped you from killing yourself. Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know,” I grounded out miserable. I should have died. Was Deus cruel will to keep me alive? Was that a worse punishment?

“Well, I do,” she declared.

I looked at her.

She smiled. “It’s like I’ve been telling you. Dues has a special solution for you.”

My stomach clenched at the familiar words. But they weren’t from her. They were someone from in my past, someone I had killed. Gidryon. How did she know that phrase, those words? It wasn’t possible. She had said something else. Something about not knowing and there being surprises. “Who told you that?” I asked, my voice low with surprise.

“What?” She asked confused.

“That Deus has a special solution for me. Who told you that?”

“No one. Why?”

She watched my face, but I only shook my head. It was too specific for anyone to just be able to randomly repeat it. The chance was so small, it didn’t even exist. And yet she had. She’d said those exact words. Was Deus really behind this? Could he really exist?

I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want there to be that chance. His betrayal, if he did exist, was worse than mine.

“Aiden? Aiden, does it matter?” Her voice said it wasn’t the first time she had asked.

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “No, no it doesn’t.”

She looked at me skeptically.

“Well, can you tell me why it’s so important for you to die?”

I shuddered. “Not now, Kristalyn.”

She watched me for a moment, her green eyes taking in every detail. Finally, she nodded. “Okay. Do you think you can eat?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll get you some food then.”

I leaned back against Maglynar’s ever present body and closed my eyes while I waited, unwilling to think or feel anything but pain anymore.

***

I rolled over feeling cold and immediately knew something was wrong besides the tight pain in my chest. Opening my eyes, I realized my over large blanket was gone. Groaning, I forced myself to sit up and pain shot through my chest, but if anything I deserved it. When I could see again I looked around to discover Kristalyn was also gone and Kuroiden was watching me with large gold green eyes. His yellow lighting scar on his right shoulder was almost glowing.

“Where is everybody?” I asked.

Kuroiden cocked his head to the side and answered with a purr I didn’t understand.

“Great,” I muttered and looked around.

The camp hadn’t changed much since I had last seen it. The trees surrounding it provided shelter from above, while the bushes on the ground gave some covering for people trying to see inside this particular clump of trees. Although I knew there wasn’t anything to distinguish it from any of the other various pockets of vegetation on the outside. Kuroiden’s bed was across from me and to my left, while I sat in Maglynar’s nest, with my cloak under me, at the back edge of the clearing. The action of looking around made my head hurt and I leaned back on my hands, but I quickly realized I would need more support. The thought wasn’t a comforting one.

Kuroiden rose and padded over to me. I kept my eye on him, but he simply went behind me and laid down supporting my back. The move shocked me. There was no love lost between the two of us. Why help me? Was it Kristalyn’s idea?

“Thank you,” I said softly, leaning against him.

Kuroiden purred and laid his head down. The two of us slept together. It was the screech of an annoyance that woke us both up. Maglynar stood in front of us, looking very tall and powerful from my current position, reminding me again of how big he had gotten. Kuroiden raised his head and looked at the griffin for a moment before replying. Maglynar shook his head, his feathers bristling and answered back. Kuroiden shook slightly behind me and then gently, giving me time to hold myself up, came out from behind me. Maglynar immediately took his place, settling quite comfortably. He screeched something else to Kuroiden, who laid down in front of me, and then nudged me with his head to lean back against him.

“What? Was he in your place?” I asked, as I leaned back.

The griffin gave me a small screech of yes.

“Being protective, aren’t you?”

He cocked his head to look at me, blinked, and then ignored me.

I took that as a yes too. The three of us lay still for a while. It was the first time in what had to be days that I didn’t feel like automatically falling back asleep.

Finally, Maglynar, put his face down next to mine, and screeched a soft, “Fine?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Tired and sore, but nothing I can’t handle.”

Maglynar snorted.

“I’m not being stubborn.”

He snorted again and Kuroiden raised his head to stare at me.

“Just how long have I been in and out of it?”

Maglynar looked at Kuroiden and then back at me. Finally, he grunted five times.

“Five days?” I repeated, surprised. “It didn’t seem that long.”

That earned a howl of protest.

“Well, okay, it didn’t seem that long to me,” I amended.

Kuroiden did a very good cat imitation of rolling his eyes and put his head back down.

“So, five days ago you crashed into the market?” I persisted.

I felt him bristle behind me, but he didn’t comment.

“Come on, Maglynar, why did you do it?”

Maglynar turned his head away from me, but I could still hear his small screech of, “Ignoring.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you.”

His head moved around to look at me. He didn’t blink.

He turned away and I could feel his anger tensing his body. If I wasn’t hurt I would probably have heard and seen it too. I glanced at Kurioden. It helped too that he was still keeping up the pretense that he couldn’t speak the basic language. He had told me the last time I had come out to spend time with him that he was tired of the game. He wanted to be able to talk to me normally again. I could understand him almost as well when he didn’t use words, but I knew it was one more thing he was annoyed with.

“It wasn’t. Come on, I stopped ignoring you on purpose a long time ago,” I said, glad it was the truth, though I couldn’t remember exactly when that had happened.

He growled a low semi-agreement.

I sighed. “You are not going to hear this very often, so don’t get use to it. But, would it help to say I’m sorry?”

Maglynar stilled completely behind me. Finally, I heard a soft questioning, “Really it is you?”

I allowed myself a small laugh. “Yes, it’s really me.” I paused for a moment. “At least , I think it is.”

“Aiden?” Maglynar questioned, his concern evident.

“Nothing,” I finally said. I shook off the thoughts I couldn’t really pin down and focused on the griffin behind me instead. “You made a pretty impressive figure showing off in the market like that.”

He made a purring sound deep in his chest.

“You’re not so little anymore,” I thought out loud.

It was true. His bottom half was the size of a full muscular lion, but his eagle head, neck, and wings made him much bigger and closer to the size of a healthy horse. He could easily carry a human now and I had the feeling he still wasn’t completely full grown yet.

He screeched proudly, “Grown up, I am.” Then automatically ducked, as he realized his screech had been louder than it should have been, but Kuroiden seemed to be sound asleep still.

“Hhmm. Your tactics have grown too. That was impressive flying. I think it’s time to change your name, Maglynar.”

He swung his head around too look at me questioningly. I looked back at him as I thought back over our time together. Travon had I had found him as a little baby. Only because Travon had reminded me of Arnan and his dragon did I finally give in. That seemed like so long ago. He had been more of a pain since I had first met him then anyone should have to deal with, but he had his advantages too. He could be useful in a situation and Trvon would be pleased I had taken care of him. He could be an asset and a valuable one at that. “Remember we named you ‘little warrior?’ We can change your name to Magnar and your name will just mean ‘warrior.’ What do you think?”

Magnar loudly screeched his agreement and Kuroiden’s head sprang up. He looked at us curiously, but Magnar ignored him and bucked me gently with his head. He screeched a gently thank you, but Kurioden didn’t seem to react to it.

“You’re welcome,” I replied, settling in more comfortable against him, glad to have that finished.

So many changes were happening, both inside and outside of me and it really seemed like I was helpless to control any of them. But then, hadn’t that been my whole point? The very reason why I wanted to take my own life? I was helpless and weak. I had proven it over and over despite my best efforts to contradict the truth. The only thing I was good at was betraying my family and hurting the ones I was suppose to love. Did I even know what that was anymore? No, I was nothing but a worthless betrayer, who didn’t even deserve the release of death. I could feel the black horror of the truth push down around me.

“Aiden?” The griffin’s low screech brought me back from whatever path I had started down.

“What?” I asked.

“What is it?” He spoke plainly and made no effort to disguise his ability to speak.

Kuroiden sat up.

“I thought you weren’t going to speak like this,” I responded, surprised.

Magnar looked at Kuroiden, who watched him closely. “Tired of pretending, I am. Kuroi will tell not.”

Kuroiden looked rather unhappy at keeping the secret. I wasn’t so sure he would keep it, but it had been Magnar’s choice to break his silence.

“Avoid me not, Aiden.”

I sighed. Apparently, he wasn’t going to be easily distracted. He must really be worried to break his silence now, after keeping it for most of our conversation earlier. What had changed?

“What?”

Magnar snorted. “What is wrong?”

“Me.”

“How?”

“I shouldn’t be alive. Why did you save me?”

“Alive you are needed,” he answered, after some thought.

“No, you’re wrong. I’m not needed. I’m better off dead.”

“No. Saved you I did,” Magnar protested.

“So I noticed,” I muttered.

“Sick you were. Tried to hurt yourself. Strange it was. So, brought you here I did,” Magnar explained in his odd form of tongue.

“Strange? How?”

“Light around you. Light in place of wound. Stopped you it did.”

“A light? I don’t remember that. I remember bringing the knife down, I remember pain and darkness, but no light. Are you sure?”

Magnar’s head nodded up and down. “Light there.”

I thought for a moment confused, but I couldn’t think of an answer. “I wonder what it was.”

“Stopped you,” he pressed.

“It stopped me? Kristalyn said that it was like the knife missed my heart perfectly.” The thought was not a comfortable one for me. The only reasoning I could possible come up with was one I wanted to immediately reject. Deus had no need for me and no reason to help me. He didn’t even exist to help. And yet, I couldn’t explain the light. Not at all.

“Aiden, why?”

I didn’t have to ask what he meant. “I told you, Magnar. I’m not needed here. I’m worthless. I’ve betrayed my family again. It is better to just die. They will be better off without me.”

The griffin said nothing for a while, but the talk had drained me and I started to fall asleep. Right before I could though, I heard Magnar’s answer.

“Magnar still needs Aiden. Always.”

***